How many more bhetis to be burnt alive in the name of Dowry?

How many more ‘Nikki’s to be burnt alive?

Our Bheti ‘Nikki Bhati’ was allegedly burnt alive by her husband and in-laws in front of her minor son because her family did not satisfy their demand for dowry. Even if you do not want to believe that there was demand for dowry, how can one justify the burning alive of a woman, a human after all? Even if someone has to immolate themselves, what could have been the circumstances that led to it? Isn’t it totally atrocious and not fitting into the world where we have women achieving greater heights and fitting themselves in all the shoes that traditionally only men wore? Why do Dowry Prohibition Act and BNS Sections 85 & 86 are not the deterrents to these acts of violence by the husbands and in-laws? 

Why do some people (mostly men) justify demanding or receiving dowry?

It is a shocking truth that there are educated or let’s call them ‘literate’ people among us who find it is justified to demand and receive dowry. 

1. The girls/ families demand boys with high income jobs: Their argument is that even women or their families demand a groom with a high earning job and is well educated. When we have a good number of women who are educated and earning as much as men, why do we even consider this as an argument. 
2. To start off with family life: Some believe that financial assistance is needed to start a new family. In that case, why not the groom’s family also pitch in? Is it really necessary to have all the luxuries from the beginning itself? Why can’t we spend only as much as we can earn? 
3. Timelines for life events: Do we really need these insane timelines that before even a girl/ a boy starts to have some savings, they are pushed into getting married because ‘log kya kahenge?’ reason. If we all allow them to grow in their career, they will have enough money to start a married life with basic necessities.
4. Extravagant wedding ceremonies: Sadly some among us consider the marriages as an event to show off their social status. It is high time that the younger generation must put a stop to this, by insisting on having a simple wedding. All those extravagant weddings also have fallen apart. The more expenditure doesn’t guarantee happiness ever after. 
5. Too much parental involvement: We, Indians have inherited this character where parents are too much involved in their child’s life starting from what to wear to whom to get married to. Young men and women are forced into marrying someone they don’t like and hence make it very difficult for their partners. Even after the wedding, the parents from both sides interfere in the lives of young couples. 
6. Marriages are considered to be transactions: Marriages are sacraments as per law (except Mohammedan law, where it is a contract) but in reality in most of the households they are financial, social or economic transactions. Especially arranged marriages are battle grounds between two families. Some even have fights from the beginning of the alliance meet ups. It is considered normal to have some fights on the wedding day between the two families. Sadly the same continues into the marital lives of bride and groom. 

Why can’t we eliminate the social evil called “Dowry” easily?

i) The Dowry system is normalized: It is engraved in the mindsets of some people that it is a normal transaction, in our marriages. Irrespective of the criminal provisions in the statutes, it is ok to ignore things like how people ignore the red traffic signal or do not wear helmet/ seatbelts. Unless and until this mentality changes, it is an uphill task to eliminate the system from its roots.

ii) Patriarchal society: Women are not allowed to voice their concerns. If only women could say ‘no’ to men who demand dowry, such marriages will not take place thus preventing all the atrocities that follow. Parents gather all their resources to pour into the hands of their sons-in-law hoping for a better future for their daughter. But unfortunately, greed never stops them from demanding more and more as the marriage progresses. 

iii) Statutes are non deterrents: The ignorance or inability or unwillingness to approach the authorities like police is keeping the women suffering in silence. Some parents also discourage the victims to take help, which further pushes the women backward. 

iv) Societal Pressure: Women are succumbed to societal pressure of staying married rather separated or divorced. Only when there is grievous hurt or loss of life, parents wake up and rant about the torture their daughter was put into. When will the parents realise that a divorced daughter is way better than a dead one? We as a society also need to give space for women to speak up rather than saying it’s normal to be beaten up by their husbands. 

v) Women filing false cases: Women who are not even remotely suffering due to dowry demands and associated domestic violence are filing the cases under these provisions only to get upper hand in divorce proceedings or child custody cases or to take undue financial advantages. This pattern has made it very difficult for the real sufferers to take their ordeal to the authorities to make them believe. All the women who approach the police station with domestic violence complaints, are considered to have come with malafide intentions to frame an innocent man. Only when there is death or grievous hurt, police act swiftly. Hence, it is very much needed that we do not encourage women to file false cases.

vi) Loopholes in the existing framework: Accused men utilize the loopholes in the existing criminal proceedings to cover up their deeds. Lack of evidence or failure to prove the accusations with corroborating evidence makes the criminal cases fall flat. In such cases men are given clean chit and the cases on them considered as frivolous or false. When cases take longer to come to an end, women also agree to quash the FIR utilizing the powers of the High Court or Supreme Court. 

Read more about the Dowry Provisions, how to file a complaint and other FAQs here. 

Cycle of Domestic Violence:

Young children watch their fathers physically and verbally abuse their mother, where the sons assume it to be normal to do so and the daughters take the message that they have to suffer in silence like their mothers do. In some households it is the other way round, where mothers are violent, and the assumption of children also vice versa. This cycle has to stop with someone in the loop. Be it us, more specifically me. Let’s join hands to stop domestic violence of every kind, by voicing our suffering and by not normalising such behaviour. 

To learn more about the statutory provisions, procedure to file domestic violence complaints click here. 

In the nutshell:

We, as a society must act to curtail the social evil of the Dowry System by discouraging the younger generation not to demand or to give dowry, without budging to their parents demands or wishes. There need not be any strict timeline for life events, let life take its course and let the younger generations find their calling by themselves, without any unwarranted pressure. We can also refuse to attend the extravagant wedding celebrations, when we come to know that there is demand and receipt of dowry. The statutory provisions are not effective unless and until social norms change. Let’s stop any more Nikkis from being burnt alive.